F the Fear - 40 and Climbin........

Hola. Missed me anyone?! The last time I wrote a post was way back in May - 2011. Shame on me. Erm.....sounds a bit harsh that doesn't it - calling myself 'shameful' for not writing on my own blog! Need to get a grip me thinks, and as the hubby keeps telling me 'stop being too hard on yourself'! Right - where do I pick up where I left off as there have been sooo many changes in so little time - anyway, and in a nutshell - I turned 40 and left my job after nearly 24 years....but realistically (and just realised while writing it) this was so last year which officially makes me nearly 41 and ..............(drum roll) UNEM-FUKG-PLOYED!!!

The birthday bit
I just mentally scolded myself then when I had flashbacks of my 40th celebrations and realised all the fab fun and laughs I had but didn't bother to tell you about - shame really, cos there were a few tales to tell - but it just doesn't seem the same sharing them all now so I'll not bother, except to say that I had an absolute ball - received the most lovely cards and pressies, had a fabulous and emotional day surrounded by family and friends, an even better 'chinese take away night' (planned meal in posh place had to be cancelled due to the stupid-but-bloody-SCARY rioting that took over even stupider Britain for a few days) followed by a next day overnight stay in a local spa which involved the following: lunch, (with 1 drink) glorious massages and being covered mud, (nil drinks) pre dinner drinks (aye!) followed by a lovely 3 course meal (with more drinks), and then an unplanned, unexpected (and totally unacceptable?!!) episode of  wedding crashing where neither the bride, groom or ANY of their party guests managed to spot the intruders! (and I've even have got the pics to prove it - my friend D arm in arm with the bride doin the hokey cokey - for real !) Needless to say we woke the next morning surrounded by (more) empty drink bottles, quaver crumbs, and I think I had a bruise or 2 from the childish play wrestling we apparently done! Ha - I'm smiling now just thinking of it all - loved every minute of it and wont be forgetting it anytime soon. I even came away with a new slogan for myself  - "I'm 40, I'm naughty, What ya gonna do about it" (apparently repeated over and over again and with a cockney twang!!!)

The job bit
So yeah - after nearly 24 years (well, 23 and 10 months as they nicely put it) I finally took the plunge and left my job. Loads of things were going on - "possible" takeovers and "possible" redundancies - in fact everything always a "possibility" (in short - same O same O or as it goes - same shit, different day). Anyway, regardless of all this I just decided it was MY time to jump (the "possible"!) sinking ship and finally free myself from a job I found neither satisfying nor rewarding. I wont pretend it came easy - the decision to go - but can honestly say it was the most liberating move I've ever made job wise (not that I've made many - hence the 23 plus years). I can't even say I had a plan of what to do after leaving or which career path I wanted to take - all I knew is that I wanted to be FREE from the 'establishment' (an ailing, overrated and shitty local city council to me an u!) - and free to explore new things and maybe, hopefully, No - DEFINITELY (positive thinkin an all that) do something with my life job wise that I could actually enjoy and feel passionate about. So far though on this subject - I'm still just enjoying the little 'rest' I promised myself - but watch this space!

Hope everyone had a good xmas and even better NY. Keeping this a short one as only wanted to get my foot back onto a rung of the writing ladder I left dangling all those months ago. Feel a bit better already as (and as mentioned before) I've been having a go at myself for not keeping up with my blog - something  I DO find interesting and DO feel passionate about.

Oh well....if anyone's happened to notice I went off radar for a while, panicked that they wouldn't be getting their fix of my fab (!) writing or felt pissed off that I haven't been reporting back - do leave a comment. As for apologies - I'm not giving any. Simply cos....
........ I'm 40, I'm Naughty.....What ya gonna do about it?!!

J X

Get me Some Yesterdays

Last night I had a mini meltdown. Well - not a meltdown as such, but just an overwhelming feeling of  memories - which prompted a whole load of other feelings - warmth, happiness, sadness, more warmth, more happiness, and then more sadness  and then I decided I couldn't cope so would just put a bookmark in the pages of this mental memory book I'd opened, until another time!  Here's wot started it anyway - I was putting my son to bed and noticed he still had a bit of chocolate on his face - "didn't we wash your face?" I asked "cos you've still got some choccy there on your cheek". "No mum, YES we did wash it" was the reply - tellin lies of course, but anyway...rather than get him out of bed and back to the bathroom again I did something - and it was THIS that started the whole memory book episode. I went to the sink and soaked a flannel in warm soapy water, got a towel, came back into his room and sat in his bed and whilst washing his face and wiping his hands proceeded to tell him that "this was what my mum would do to me and S and D when we were little" -  "Why?" he asked ............"Just cos" I said....... " If we were unwell or we had been somewhere and not got back till late and had to go straight to bed, mum would just bring a warm flannel and a towel into us and wash our hands and faces while we were in bed" ......."Oh"....... and that (from him) was that. But for me it was another story. I got this overwhelming feeling of .....ohh..cant really describe exactly just what it was I felt, but anyway , and like I said before, this 'picture book' opened up and with each page I felt a sort of  'loss' feeling (for want of another word?) and a big grieving for 'those' days - when me and my sisters were little, and us and mum (and dad cropped up as well - cos he DID play his part - when he was around) all lived together. I had flashbacks of us 3, in our nighties, getting into bed and mum doing exactly what I just said I did to my son last night...and then a whole load of other pictures started popping up - anyway - my point being...I felt so sad. Not SAD sad..but like sad where you miss those times cos they feel sooooo far away. Here I was with my own child, my sis's have their own children as well.....and if truth be told we all now have our 'own' families - meaning we'd probably put our own children before each other - (we would though..wouldn't we?) something we probably never ever ever dreamt we would be doing all those years ago when it was just us - and mum - against the world. I don't know what it was, but it got me good and I felt awfully fuzzy afterwards!

Have you ever just stopped and thought? REALLY thought - like gone back to your childhood and pictured everything the way it used to be and then started to see it all so clearly like it was only yesterday (and like i did!) and then realised just how long ago it seems to be and how quick you seem to have gotten to where you are now - an adult (and parent?) yourself and a world away from those days. It really scared me - in a non-scary way though, if that makes sense, cos whilst I do accept life as it is, and that we all grow and it moves on and all that palaver - I also felt a silent panic cos I'd never be going back to those days. No more sitting around in our matching nighties or getting back from Moreton too late that we had to go right to bed and have our hands and face washed off mum in bed! Oh! I don't know. I don't know if what I'm saying makes bloody sense to anyone reading, although I know exactly what I'm talking about and how I felt, and why I felt it! I think you can get my drift though if you try hard enough (!) - we all have childhood memories that we sometimes wish we could just go back to - even if for just a day) I do anyway. Far too much goes on in this adult world of mine - give me those days again any day!

On a happier note (!) - it's my middle sis's birthday on Tuesday..I'm just thinking back to what we used to do on such days so that I'm able to send the perfect birthday tribute (and in honour of the magic days I keep going on about!)  Here goes:-

Happy Birthday S !  Mum said she's gonna do you a little party! There'll be butty's, sausage rolls and all the other stuff we like! Club's and Blue Riband's from Miles's and the lemonade man's been and we've got some cream soda or dandelion 'n' burdock!  There'll be You, Me, D, Mum, Dad and Mam 'n' Dad, and Peggy will probably pop in as well cos she said she's got you a present!!  Oh, I cant wait. Happy Days...............!

Hope u have a lovely birthday S. My present to you is this: when you wake on your special day - close your eyes and open a page (or 2) of the 'book' I happened to open last night. May you see all those days gone by when it was just US...with our matching nighties and laughing eyes, and no worry's, woes, or cares - and may you smile!

Love you.

J XX

(ps.....when you've done that - you can open this other lil pressie I got you)

Where Art Thou? (again!)

Hey there. In case anybody's wondering where I am, or where I've been (or where my posts are to be precise!) .............. I got caught up in that silly Capulet v Montagues war then Romeo decided it was me he wanted after all, so swept me off my balcony and took me on this big adventure................Phew.

Nah, I'm just kidding - nice thought though. I'm right here and all is good. I shall be back with regular posts by the end of this week - and onwards. This time I've been dealing with a muscle injury in my back and shoulder (AND my arm - apparently it's  'musclo-skeletal'  - so says my Osteo!) which has gazumped me from sitting at any computers for too long at a time (like I do!) so I  haven't really been able to sit and write as much as I'd like to have done (and If I'm honest - haven't felt much like doing so neither) - I've really missed it though, and can feel things starting to get better, so me thinks it's time to get back to doing what I love, and writing .... Hope someone's missed me - or my posts anyway! (think I've missed myself!)

Shall be back in a day or so and pick up where I left off and hope I've still got some interested readers. In the meantime - have a little read (or re-read!) of older posts - and don't forget - do comment should you feel like it - or share your own thoughts or experiences - or just say whatever it is you want.

Laters

J x

Invincible Moi

Valentines Day. Huh. If you're anything like me, then you don't believe all the hype.  Okay, I admit - I bought hubby a card, he bought me, I also bought my little boy a card, he bought me (aww) I also got some fab Jo Malone body creme and chocolate 'love bugs' (the creme- I'm EVER so grateful, the bugs - equally so, BUT why hubby went and spent his hard earned cash on pressies for me for VD - I'll never know!!!)

Anyway, I'm not here to harp on about VD - leave that to the youngsters. I thought us women could do with a bit of 'biggin up' today, and a little reminding, that we don't need any such occasions like today for it to be confirmed that we are loved - whether that be by another person, (hubby, partner, lover - or even kids and family) - the only thing we need to remind ourselves is that there is only one person we really need to ensure that we are loved by, and that, my friends, is US - OURSELVES.

For any of you out there not feeling IT at the moment, give your head a little wobble and remind yourself just how GREAT you are - and LOVE YOURSELF.  We are all so different, and we all have so very different stories to tell, but the one fact remains - we are all WOMEN.

Below is a little something for all of ya! I made a mental note just the other night when watching the movie again, that I must put this on my blog - we all need a little pick me up sometimes to remind us just what we are. This was mine - hope it's yours!

Happy VD to all of you - myself included! (My heads been wobbled - so I'm now off to wash it and to put on a nice dress!).

J X

"L'amato" - ('Loved it' in Italiano!) - AND I STILL DO!

This is a re-post. Reason  being - I watched EPL again last night, and Ohhhhhh - I STILL love it. Everything I thought and felt the first time around, I still think and feel now! In fact - even more so. It has just reminded me just how much I want to change in my life with regard to seeing the world and being marvelled! Im rather annoyed with myself that im still in a situation i voewd to get out of after seeing the movie many months ago now. Me and myself need to have a serious chat I think...and come up with a plan. THE plan. Shall also have a chat with the hubby too I think, as he shares my zest for life and everything else we said we wanted to change in our lives (crappy jobs and whatnot!)What is life if we dont take risks? Especially when we feel we need to. Anyway.......that's for me to sort....so I will just leave you with the below! Happy Reading.


If you haven't yet been to see' Eat, Pray, Love' then more the fool you. I'm Kidding of course, but No -seriously -

Wingin It!

D'ya like them then? My new wings. From today - tonight actually, I am officially up there on the same wing-length of those Victoria's Secrets 'Angels'. Yeah! And so says me. New year, New me...and I'll be damned if I need anyone to decide whether I'm worthy of wearing them. Have I lost the plot? The answer to that is NO. I already had some new 'plans' (more on that later) and then decided to throw the angel bit in for good measure after this little episode: my sis texted me and demanded I "switch on the Entertainment channel 151 NOW and watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show" and then started with the "OMG J, how fab are they!" and then "OMG! how emotional it is when they get their wings!" texts. Like your probably wondering now while reading this, (if anyone's reading?) I too, was like "Waaaaaaaa?" Now - I am aware of Victoria's Secret  - isn't it a fab underwear store, and they have all these fab models walking down runways wearing nothing but bra's, panties, and schoolgirl socks - Oh, and of course, and from what I've also noticed fleetingly - they wear wings? Now...and as my sis kindly filled me in - they are 'awarded' with these wings (hence them getting emotional). These wings came in all designs and colours, (think transvestite style at the Mardi Gras) and the girls wearing them looked like they'd literally died and gone to heaven.  I wont pretend to know any more than that - cos I don't (I must ask my VSA obsessed niece sometime what exactly the story is behind it all) - all I know is that they get given these things to attach to their shoulders at some point, and from what I remember seeing - the more established you are, the bigger and better the wing (think Heidi Klum - that bit older, wiser and longer standing 'angel', ...then you've got the lesser known model who hasn't been doing it for as long but then someone decides its her time to fly, so she gets awarded her pair!) It left me wondering - Why? What does it take for them to get some wings? Do ya need to be 'young' and dolly-like? (they were) Fit and statue-esque, with pert boobs, a tight ass, and tumbling locks, (they were) ah..and not forgetting that white bright dazzling smile? WTF...I'd like to know who this WING GIVER is, and exactly how they dictate which women are worthy of wearing them!  - I bet ya a hundred bucks it's a man!

Back to my 'plan'. I know its a bit late into the new year to mention resolutions but mine isn't a resolution as such...it's just a new 'life path' I've decided to take and I shall be walking it from tomorrow! (had a few things to catch up on the last few weeks hence the delay). I'm hoping to take a whole new approach to my health and well being - namely keep (or try to anyway) my hormones in check (and be ever-so-polite and totally ignore any fiends that jump me, Oh - and lose my pass that allows me to get aboard the Hormoneville bus), adopt the most positive mental attitude EVER, (!) not get stressed, eat well, sleep well, exercise well (and be in the best shape of my life) - in a nutshell - Feel goddamn great and look fucking fantastic! And that's even before I get to the grand ole age of 40. Yeah - Moi!

It's approaching. In exactly 7 months and 22 days I shall be gettin on the big Four - O bandwagon. Fourty. Fooorty. Four and Ohhh equals Fourty. 40. WOW - didn't know there were that many ways of putting it down! I cant say I'm 'scared' (for want of another word) but being realistic, isn't it a big thing - youre 40th birthday? It feels like only yesterday I was 21. I do think I look pretty good for my age - considering I'm 39, (and a mum, a wife, an employee and all the rest of those things that makes me Super-F-Woman) I've always looked after myself, kept myself fit and as healthy as I can and I don't feel TOO bad. Well I didn't anyway, until I entered the Hormone Hell that I did, but hey - onwards and upwards is what the 'new' me says.

So - yeah - as from tomorrow, new path - me follow. I wont go into detail about the what's and how's - that's just for me and myself....but it's all gonna be good and I'll be embracing the changes head on! So...as of now, and in preparation for my new start (!) I'm feeling good and looking OK me thinks - well alright....my hair could probably do with a bit of help to look like it's actually alive, and I may not be of  that 'dolly age' or as pert as I once was, - but let me tell you something - no 'real' woman is -not naturally anyway, and certainly not after having a child and all the rest of it! (read my other post's for the 'all the rest of it' info!) I'll say one thing though (wahey! this  positive new me is workin already!) - this 'secret' that this Victoria has - is a crock of shit! There ain't no secret - nor is there any club that says us women have to look like lollypop sucking schoolgirls with sinewy frames and bouncy-ball hair in order to get in - or more importantly - be a part of to get some wings! Whatever your age, if your feeling fab, chances are you look it. So if your feelin it and lookin it - I don't need to tell you what to do next - wipe down those shoulders and put on those wings!

I don't know about yours - but mine are just as I designed them - big, bright and rainbow-esque colourful (like me!) WTF - did I say big? You should see the size of them. Heidi Klum eat ya heart out!

J X

It Wasn't me.........

Well...what do ya know! I've had the flu virus and have been really unwell the past week.  Really unwell. I'll say no more as just talking about it makes me feel queasy. I'll say this though - getting sick at Christmas  sucks. Big Time. The festive and New year holidays have been and gone before my eyes.....my hubby and son have also been unwell. No chocolates have been eaten. No wine has been drunk. No movies have been watched. No time around the xmas tree has been spent. In a nutshell - someone stole our Christmas (and it WASNT Mr Grinch - we love him) Anyway.........no biggie, because all 3 of us arenow feeling a bit better (hubby and son lots, me - getting there) so we are going to turn back the clock and have Christmas again this week. No wine though - just thinking of it makes me shudder.