Last night I had a mini meltdown. Well - not a meltdown as such, but just an overwhelming feeling of memories - which prompted a whole load of other feelings - warmth, happiness, sadness, more warmth, more happiness, and then more sadness and then I decided I couldn't cope so would just put a bookmark in the pages of this mental memory book I'd opened, until another time! Here's wot started it anyway - I was putting my son to bed and noticed he still had a bit of chocolate on his face - "didn't we wash your face?" I asked "cos you've still got some choccy there on your cheek". "No mum, YES we did wash it" was the reply - tellin lies of course, but anyway...rather than get him out of bed and back to the bathroom again I did something - and it was THIS that started the whole memory book episode. I went to the sink and soaked a flannel in warm soapy water, got a towel, came back into his room and sat in his bed and whilst washing his face and wiping his hands proceeded to tell him that "this was what my mum would do to me and S and D when we were little" - "Why?" he asked ............"Just cos" I said....... " If we were unwell or we had been somewhere and not got back till late and had to go straight to bed, mum would just bring a warm flannel and a towel into us and wash our hands and faces while we were in bed" ......."Oh"....... and that (from him) was that. But for me it was another story. I got this overwhelming feeling of .....ohh..cant really describe exactly just what it was I felt, but anyway , and like I said before, this 'picture book' opened up and with each page I felt a sort of 'loss' feeling (for want of another word?) and a big grieving for 'those' days - when me and my sisters were little, and us and mum (and dad cropped up as well - cos he DID play his part - when he was around) all lived together. I had flashbacks of us 3, in our nighties, getting into bed and mum doing exactly what I just said I did to my son last night...and then a whole load of other pictures started popping up - anyway - my point being...I felt so sad. Not SAD sad..but like sad where you miss those times cos they feel sooooo far away. Here I was with my own child, my sis's have their own children as well.....and if truth be told we all now have our 'own' families - meaning we'd probably put our own children before each other - (we would though..wouldn't we?) something we probably never ever ever dreamt we would be doing all those years ago when it was just us - and mum - against the world. I don't know what it was, but it got me good and I felt awfully fuzzy afterwards!
Have you ever just stopped and thought? REALLY thought - like gone back to your childhood and pictured everything the way it used to be and then started to see it all so clearly like it was only yesterday (and like i did!) and then realised just how long ago it seems to be and how quick you seem to have gotten to where you are now - an adult (and parent?) yourself and a world away from those days. It really scared me - in a non-scary way though, if that makes sense, cos whilst I do accept life as it is, and that we all grow and it moves on and all that palaver - I also felt a silent panic cos I'd never be going back to those days. No more sitting around in our matching nighties or getting back from Moreton too late that we had to go right to bed and have our hands and face washed off mum in bed! Oh! I don't know. I don't know if what I'm saying makes bloody sense to anyone reading, although I know exactly what I'm talking about and how I felt, and why I felt it! I think you can get my drift though if you try hard enough (!) - we all have childhood memories that we sometimes wish we could just go back to - even if for just a day) I do anyway. Far too much goes on in this adult world of mine - give me those days again any day! On a happier note (!) - it's my middle sis's birthday on Tuesday..I'm just thinking back to what we used to do on such days so that I'm able to send the perfect birthday tribute (and in honour of the magic days I keep going on about!) Here goes:- Happy Birthday S ! Mum said she's gonna do you a little party! There'll be butty's, sausage rolls and all the other stuff we like! Club's and Blue Riband's from Miles's and the lemonade man's been and we've got some cream soda or dandelion 'n' burdock! There'll be You, Me, D, Mum, Dad and Mam 'n' Dad, and Peggy will probably pop in as well cos she said she's got you a present!! Oh, I cant wait. Happy Days...............! Hope u have a lovely birthday S. My present to you is this: when you wake on your special day - close your eyes and open a page (or 2) of the 'book' I happened to open last night. May you see all those days gone by when it was just US...with our matching nighties and laughing eyes, and no worry's, woes, or cares - and may you smile! Love you.
J XX
(ps.....when you've done that - you can open this other lil pressie I got you)
