A Problem Shared.........

As you may know - October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. There have been so many articles and real life stories in loads of the newspapers and magazines over the last few weeks, and if I'm honest I've not read many. I actually feel ashamed saying that. Ashamed because it makes me sound like some ignorant person, and I am so not - far from it in fact. The reason I don't read such articles sometimes is purely because I get upset, then I worry, then I become terrified. Yesterday though I found myself reading a magazine article which was promoting the 'Think Pink' campaign. The article was about Bernie Nolan (of the Nolan sisters) and her battle against the disease. I read it and felt so proud of her - this woman who I don't even know - she looked fantastic and glowing and so happy and shared her story from the time she knew something weren't right with one of her breasts, to diagnosis and then the treatments she endured and the mastectomy she will be having this month. Her story also made me laugh at times because she has such a down to earth attitude and wicked sense of humour and managed to stay upbeat and positive throughout -  she was 50 recently but said that her party would be postponed until January when she would be having a  "massive F*** off to Cancer' party"!
 The pictures of her were fab - she looked so happy and glowing. It made me think and I realised just how many more women there are out there who are either on exactly the same journey and battling breast cancer themselves, know somebody who is, or have lost close friends or loved ones to the disease.  Like most people - I am too also terrified of the 'C' word. A couple of months ago I had a breast cancer 'scare' myself. Now, I haven't really suffered any bother with my breasts - when due on my P, maybe a slight soreness, and when pregnant, the usual tenderness and increase in cup size, but nothing like I had a few months back. this was different. It all started mid cycle - and in the Left breast (yes - the LEFT one! - if your familiar with my posts you will know what I mean - if you're not familiar - do read my older post 'To the Left') I noticed my breast was more tender than normal and even the slightest touch or knock would make me feel like I wanted to be sick. Really sick. It felt rock hard and like my breast was on fire and the more I became aware of it the more worried I became. Now I am a born worrier anyway, so it is nothing new for me to worry over something to the point where I worry over the worrying of it! I just didn't feel right, and what made it worse was the fact that I'd never experienced it before. It was a long week of feeling absolutely unwell with it before I went to my GP. I told her the problem and in the middle of telling her I broke down! Just couldn't stop crying - I think it was a combination of relief - that I was there and knew she would help, and tiredness mainly due to the fact that I'd lay awake most nights prodding and feeling the area and totally convincing myself it was something serious. After examining me she confirmed that she too could feel the hard area and although she was sure it was probably just inflammation and a bad case of infection/mastitis, combined with my hormones (yeah - Hormoneville again!)  but she would send me for a mammogram, purely to be on the safe side and also for my own piece of mind. I was given some antibiotics for the infection and then had to wait for an appointment to go for the mammogram. It was the longest wait of my life - well, that's how it felt. I remember this one particular morning - it was a Sunday, and a few days before the approaching appointment, and for some reason the magazines that came with the papers were full of stories about breast 'C'. That was it for me. I felt a fear like Ive never (to this day) felt before. I was absolutely convinced I was unwell. My life was flashing before my eyes, and I couldn't look at my little boy without  crying and thinking I was going 'somewhere' soon, and wouldn't see him again. Now...I know this sounds really negative and sombre - but I wouldn't be telling the truth if I didn't tell it exactly how it was (and felt) at the time would I? Anyway......I cried in the hubby's arms and felt feelings I never want to feel again. A few days later I had my mammogram. Whilst waiting for the results I chatted to two lovely women - one was there for her routine check up and the other - who was a lot older than myself,  had found a lump in her breast "many years back" she said, and had only recently plucked up the courage to get it checked out. She spoke very calmly about how she knew "something was definitely wrong" but due to being her mothers main carer,  she just didn't have the chance nor time to take care of herself (until now and following her mothers passing). The three of us sat chatting and both of them were reassuring me that all would be fine and that I was "only young and it would be nothing serious to worry about".  They were right - (and thankfully) my results all came back OK. The doctor 'explained' things - the word 'hormonal' came into it a few times, but if I'm honest I was in such a daze and so overcome with relief that I didn't take in a word of what he was saying. All I knew was that I was OK (and more importantly there was no mention of the dreaded 'C' word!) He asked me if I had any questions. I replied that I didn't. I lied in fact! The truth was - Well YES - I DID actually. What was all this pain and swelling in my breast? What caused it? Why did I feel so unwell with it? Would it happen again? I had a thousand questions but at that moment in time all I wanted was to leave the room, go and hug my hubby and get out of  the hospital. I remember crying as I walked out of the room and towards the women who I had met only earlier, and who were waiting outside for me. I hugged the pair of them and asked them if they wanted me to sit and wait with them - both declined and told me to go to my husband and "enjoy the rest of my life"! From that moment on, I swore I would never ever allow anything to make me feel as fearful as I felt those few weeks, and I would live my life to the fullest and cherish my family and just BE. I'll never forget that time. Ever.

I also learnt something very valuable that day. I learnt that us women are all the same. Each and every one of us, regardless of age, all experience the same (or very similar) things at some point in our lives. We all feel the same fear when it is thrust at us, and we are thrown together at times and with no choice but to lean on one another for support when it really matters. Take me for instance - there I was - thrown together with 2 women of different age and background, but all 3 of us there, with the same worry and fear. I realised that day that there is a lot of love in this world - and you find it in the unlikeliest of places. I also wonder what I would have done had I not had the love and support of two total strangers.

I am so very proud to be a woman - and I am even MORE prouder of all my other womankind out there!

J X